Mirroring

The term “Mirroring” represents many concepts: there is physical mirroring, emotional mirroring, mirroring in regard to business (specifically in sales), and projection mirroring. I will touch over briefly on all four facets yet I choose to mainly focus on projection mirroring as it sparked a deep interest within me when I read a chapter about mirroring in the book “The Universe Has Your Back” by Gabrielle Bernstein a few months back.

Physical mirroring is typically defined as: “the behavior in which one person actively or unconsciously imitates the gesture, speech pattern, or attitude of another.” Basically, it is about replicating another person’s behavior. This facet occurs early on, you can think about how babies and infants quickly learn to imitate the gestures of their parents or those that surround them. Body language expert Tonya Reiman explains how “To put it simply, mirroring is matching someone’s behavior, whether it’s their voice, their words, or their non-verbal cues. This could be body posture, gestures, or movement. When it becomes subconscious, it’s what “sets apart a great friendship or love from all the rest.” Reiman highlights how it all comes down to nonverbal communication and how you can then experience “matching pitch, tone, blink rate, and breathing.” She presents the example of attending a job interview and mentions: “If you’re nervous, you might be inclined to avoid eye contact or act a little closed off. However, if you attempt to mirror your interviewer, you’ll come across as confident and form a connection with the person you’re speaking to which will, in turn, help you feel more comfortable.” When we lose our connection or feel tensions in our intimate relationships or even with our friends, Dr Reiman suggests that we look at the other person’s eyes for three full minutes. (I was reminded about another article I read years ago which mentions how staring at your partners eyes for a full 4 minutes reignites your love). Dr Reiman emphasizes how staring for 3 minutes straight is a form of “rebooting that mirroring” as “You’re sitting in the same posture and looking at one another at the same time, which causes brain chemistry to get going again.” Gazing at one another creates a “vulnerability that few of us are willing to open up to. That vulnerability is the difference between wanting to and trying to fix your relationship.” You can read more about this on https://www.brides.com/story/what-is-mirroring-and-what-does-it-mean-for-your-marriage.

Emotional mirroring is often unintentional and can be classified as a two-edged sword if not used wisely. It can occur when: “friends have a similar issue, and get stuck talking about it, over and over again, in a negative way; unable to move on or find a solution. The problem goes back and forth and becomes larger, not smaller, as they take on the other’s worries and fears.” Psychotherapist Helen Gerolaki mentions how emotional mirroring can release tension and help us gain insight as we feel better knowing that we’re not alone when we feel we are on the same boat as a friend. However, she emphasizes how “if our conversations fail to come up with these positives, and leave us feeling worse than before, then we may have slipped into joint rumination, when we see our despair reflected back at us, lose perspective and become less energized to problem-solve.” Psychologist Ingrid Collins further explains how our brains have mirror cells that enable us to reflect emotion and says: “It’s why we cry over a sad film. Mirror cells help us interpret how others are feeling. But when two people with similar problems and feelings are mirroring unhealthily -the closeness to that person can re-stimulate your own problems.” Eventually we have to be able to sort out our own issues and not reflect them back onto another person.
You can read more about this in this article by https://www.psychologies.co.uk/psychology-emotional-mirroring.

There is also mirroring in business, where many sales representatives are trained to mirror prospective clients in their sales pitches. “mirroring is a technique that can work well in any workplace as well as in most interpersonal relationships. With mirroring, one person adopts the physical and verbal behaviors of another as a way to build rapport and agreement during the selling process.”

Projection mirroring is when we are triggered by others when they display behavior that we don’t want to look at within ourselves. For instance, if you turn defensive when someone offers negative feedback, do you judge a friend or colleague when you see them reacting defensively as well? Since I was young, it was only natural to assume that everyone thought the same way I did, and had the same interests and same beliefs. Obviously as I grew older, and was exposed to a variety of different cultures, religions, and nationalities during my teenage years in boarding school, I learned early on that I was simply projecting my core beliefs and values onto others. I realized that everyone has their own set of values that they also project onto those around them. Although this reads as a straightforward concept, it is much more complex, as human beings we tend to either forget that we are projecting, or become unaware that we are. Eventually turning “projection” behavior into an unconscious habit.

This topic interested me as “Projecting” is a mannerism that most of us do unconsciously and may be an integral aspect of miscommunication and possibly frustration in relationships. As we assume that the other person thinks, believes, reacts, and behaves in the same manner we do, many arguments and issues with those closest to us stem from the mere fact that we expect them to act in the same way as us. For instance, if a good friend didn’t include you in an outing one night, you might feel hurt, angry or upset if you value inclusivity and always include that individual in your plans. Or if your partner projects their beliefs onto you they may expect you to act and behave in certain ways, and may get confused or frustrated when you do differently. We often project on the people that we are closest to: our family (parents, siblings, and children), friends, business partners or spouses. As our closest relationships act as mirrors and can help us see ourselves more clearly if we know what to look for. The biggest issue is that most people are unaware of this and do not know what to look for and then continue to be triggered without really knowing the reason. Remember that when we are triggered by others it is actually a wonderful opportunity for growth.

When we judge a person based on a behavior that bothered or annoyed us, it is highlighting a quality that we have to work on within ourselves. Ever since learning about this concept, I have become more in tune with my actions, how I project, and if I am indeed projecting. This perspective enabled me to become more aware of my actions and reactions. If someone bothers me I ask myself why? I choose to delve deeper and try to figure out what the root cause of the issue is from within. It is not as easy as it sounds as it is human nature to judge. But being aware of your emotions, reactions, judgements and behavior is key in understanding yourself better, growing and mending your own wounds, and developing genuine love, respect and non-judgement towards others. Yesterday morning as I walked to my daily coffee shop, a stranger just growled at me for no reason and complained about not giving them space on the small pavement where I was walking. I could have easily been annoyed, instead I empathized with them and figured they must not be having a good day for whatever reason.

Being aware of our common tendency to “mirroring” is imperative for our wellbeing and could solve so many unnecessary issues in our relationships. When we realize and respect the differences in everyone’s’ values and beliefs, that is when we can live in unity and become a stronger force overall. I think this is something we should all be aware of and remind ourselves to work on daily. To appreciate and celebrate our differences and strive off of our uniqueness and be happier and stronger together. After all, being the same is boring and there is strength is coming together with otherness and not allowing differences in opinion alter our mood, sense of self, direction, or day.

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